weathering ephemerality

I always keep a 'grateful' journal with me to write of 2 things I was grateful for that day. It can be a good deed I did that day, a good feeling/emotion I experienced that day or even something that existed or was with me all along but took me only till that day to realize and to be grateful for.

Yesterday, it was probably my 2nd time taking the MRT ever since I came back. For some apparent reason, babies on the train kept smiling at me. Idk why but it's always such a heartwarming moment when you make eye contact with them and in return, you get a naive and the most adorable smile back ever. It reminds me a lot of my childhood, and my family.
That day, one of the things I wrote down to be grateful for was: I'm grateful to have a family to return to everyday.

It's the simplest yet the most important thing mos people always take for granted. We take for granted that our parents would always ask us if we're hungry or not, and they'll buy us food all the time whether or not if we want to eat. Because they don't want us to starve. Yet, when you come to think about it, they're the only person that would ask you the simplest things.
"How's your day?"
"Are you feeling better today?"
"Are you hungry?"

And we tend to forget. Because we're so used to everything they did for us. We take for granted that they're always the ones with us through everything. The good, the bad, the worst. We take for granted that they're always the first ones to forgive our mistakes before anyone else would. And we took for granted of their love. For us.

Before every year ends, my dad would always talk to us and ask us of our review for the year and our plans for the next. He pointed out that my biggest flaw wasn't about being too nasty, too kind or whatsoever. It was about getting over things.
He said I will always face problems in the future. Be it regarding relationships, friendships or my career. I have to learn how to let go.

Some people are getting more vile, more cruel and some of them are constantly trapped in their lies, was what he said. When times are difficult to get over, I shouldn't be fooled, to be led a strayed into playing their own game of lies with them. I shouldn't be continuously doing foolish things because of something that went wrong.

He told me to help more people in 2016. He said, all of the friendships, relationships or even us as family now happens for a reason. The people that we met, they might be people that saves our life in the future, people that can help us in the future or simply, people that need our help greatly.

"And irregardless of anything, do not shun away people. Help. Don't hate on anybody, because they might just be another one of those people that needs your help. They might not be the people you like the most but, still help anyway. Because you're more than someone that closes their doors towards people you dislike."

"Continue walking, even though at times it might seem tough. Continue walking, even though it might seem painful. Continue walking, with a smile. Get over everyday without hatred or jealousy. Things will always come to an end. Your current friendships or relationships that seem to be the most perfect thing ever in the world. Your future career that seem to be the best one you've had. The things you believe and trust in the most will come to an end. Cry over it. But don't ever believe that your life or your future will end because of them and better days will come again soon."


The best reminders my dad gave to me this year.

Honestly, before I left for Korea I was a wreck. All over the place. I couldn't control my feelings. Because I wanted too much. Expected too much. And just because I myself, is a human being too.

I tried my best to be the person everyone wanted me to be. To be better in this, and that. To look better. I gave whatever I could to the people I valued the most, just because I valued my relationships with them. Despite what they could and had gave me, I would always put people first before me. Because I loved with everything I could. Even if what I could give wasn't wanted, I still continued giving in hopes of getting something in return. I wanted people to love me. As much as I loved them.

Yet, the saddest fact of all was that I couldn't bear to love myself. To actually try putting myself first rather than the people I loved all along. I blamed myself when relationships soured. I blamed myself for not being there all the time, for not being good enough, or at least what they wanted me to be. Why didn't I be better? Why didn't I perform better? Maybe if I looked better, did better or did whatever they told me to, we wouldn't turn out this way?

That was what I thought all along. Perhaps because I loved unconditionally. I loved so many people, all at once and I valued all of us being together more than anything. I feared to lose people. I feared to let go of the things I love. I'm weak. I cry whenever I lose the people and things I love. I get defeated not when people hurt me, but when they hurt the people I love.

I wasn't ready to accept my flaws. Externally, I do. I tell everybody that I love myself. And I have absolutely zero regrets for who I am as a person now. But inside, I question myself why couldn't I been any better? If I were better, I probably wouldn't have lost you, you or even you. I tried to correct whatever I thought I did wrong. Just for the sake of trying to salvage lost emotions, lost memories, lost feelings, lost times that obviously couldn't be retrieved.

In the end, I realised the problem wasn't with me, not my flaws. Not what I couldn't correct. But it was the problem I had of not learning how to accept myself.

If I could accept myself, my flaws, and the people (who were shit basically) that left me, nothing would've been a problem. And it's only when I accept who I am, then would I get to filter out the people in my life.

Love. You can love a person with your entire heart. Your entire universe. But it doesn't mean that letting go of that person = you not loving him/her. If they aren't worthy of your sacrifices and time you poured in for them, you're basically doing them and yourself a favour by letting them go. Because you can't give them what you want, and that's not your fault. Your fault lies in not letting them go so they can find someone they need and want. And you can then stop blaming yourself, instead realise who are the ones who really deserve and want you. I realised love takes effort. Not only from solely yourself. But the other party.

Love doesn't happen when you're the only one putting in effort. Love in friendships, in families or even between lovers. Love takes initiative. Yet at the same time, you can't be the only one taking the first step all the time. You can't be the one always trying to salvage the flame. If only one person wants it bad enough, the flame would still die down anyway in the end. The most important thing though, it's that if you knew you tried, you gave your best, you gave whatever you could to save everything yet it still didn't work out: it wasn't your fault.

Know that it was for the better. Not only for the other party but also for you. So that you can finally realise that you could get better. And you deserve better. It probably wasn't the other party's fault either. Because they didn't knew how to appreciate the beauty in you or whatever you did for them. They need someone else and something they want, something you can't offer.

Don't underestimate what you can give, and how much you can love a person. It might not show towards some people. But there's always bound for some people that can learn to appreciate the beauty in it. And they will always be the people you know that's worth of your love and time. People that shouldn't be let go.

At least, I learnt how to accept myself. Learn how to accept and love yourself before trying to love someone else wholeheartedly.

Due uncredited pictures. And a pile of happy mess.

“你最大的勇敢不是去爱他，是去相爱。你最大的坚强，也不是跟他在一起，而是离开他。“

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I realised over the years that I wasn't being heartless or cruel towards others. I was being heartless towards myself, my own feelings. Not loving isn't the saddest thing. The saddest thing is to stop loving because you know you can't afford the pain. And instead, you choose to avoid. To ignore and to pretend that you don't and can't love when you obviously is, in the inside. Being unable to hear or see isn't the cruelest thing. It's pretending to not see, or not to hear when you have the ability to do so.

The worst is when you see someone suffering, and you choose to ignore their pain instead of offering to help just to lessen your own pain. By being selfish, to acknowledge your own pain instead of someone else's. Just because the rest couldn't see your pain.

Hmm, but I guess that's just how the world works. Everyone's too selfish, too blinded to look for the good in people. We blame, criticise and ostracise too often. We only realise and be thankful for the people and things we have around us when we lose something. Or when we fall. Truth to be told, we don't even realise or thank the people that were always around us to hold us back up when we fall. When they're gone, we cry. We scream for help. And then we realise who were truly the ones that were there for us. They might not be people that we like. We spend so much time chasing after people to like us, when we fail to appreciate the people that we didn't like but still, they were the people that were willing to help us.

I think I've spent enough time on things and people that weren't worth the journey. Well, I shouldn't say that they weren't worth it, but probably just temporary(?).

One of my friends once told me, life is actually like a railway track, while we're the train travelling on those tracks. First, it's known that the tracks are not always straight. They can go left, right, curved and they might not be the best neither could they be the most easy to travel on. Just like life.

Second, our train starts with empty cabins. It only gets occupied along the way. By passengers, or what we might call friends, acquaintances, 'enemies', people we dislike and even the most important people we might believe to see of an importance in our lives.

People often board and alight from these trains, just like how people come and go in our lives. We might lose someone, but someone else new would hop on our train at the next stop, or at the stop someone else alighted at. Whether or not, those new people would replace the old, it's another question we might ponder upon. But the fact is that, not everyone is going to be permanent. If I were to put it in a blunt manner, it would mean that people hop on our train just to get to their destination. And that would probably mean that they're 'using' us to get to where they're supposed to head towards.

That being said, life always have two or more sides to it. The 'yay I'm so happy' part and the 'I'm so sad this is so tragic' part. And for the happy yay-ish part, all of the people would leave you memories. Good and bad or both. They make you the person you are today. The people that gave you good and happy memories might not necessarily stay for a long period of time. They might not end up being the last few people onboard your train. Neither do the people whom you dislike might stay for long. In conclusion, cherish the people you have around you. They might not be the best, they might also not be the most likeable but without them, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be who you are.

And I often know of people who frequently says that if they could rewind time and fix their mistakes, they would. But for me, I wouldn't. Why? Because even if I did fix my mistakes, things would take a different turn. Plus, if they did take a different turn, your mistakes might be fixed but think of the happy moments you got from your mistakes. They probably wouldn't be there anymore, if you ever did change things back then. You probably would've met some people too as well on the way, when you fell and when things took a bad turn. They might end up to be the best people you've ever met in your lifetime. Are you going to give them up all? Just to head towards another unfamiliar path that you have thought to be 'better', but is it really 'better'? Or it's just because you despised your mistakes too much to have been blinded from the wonderful things you have around you?

Our train journey just like our lives, might be short. Some of yours might be longer than others. We travel at different speeds, with different people onboard. We are heading towards different directions. But we have one common goal: to survive this journey be it a tough or a smooth one. And in the end, when we get back to where we're supposed to be, we often look back at the process. Not the ending. It wouldn't matter who left or who boarded, it's the impact that everyone left on us that would matter. It might not seem as much of an importance to us now, since we're goal-driven on where we are eagerly waiting to head towards. But when things finally come to an end, you'll think about it hard.

To live a life that's worth living? For me, it would probably to be happy. To be happy in times of hardships, laughter and tears. Even when people leave, I want to be happy, to think of the good things and impact they left on me. And to think of them as a fond memory. Even if they'll never be replaced again in the future, they'll be shelved as one of the best I once had. It's only then, that I can let go of what I don't possess and appreciate more of what I do have with and around me.

Finally, it's time to let go. To let go of temporary objects and people. Perhaps, it's just their time to alight now and the time for me to carry on with my journey. They'll be missed, indefinitely. But, it's important to realise that the journey is still long ahead and to continue moving, we all have to let go of some things and people. Even if we hate or love them too deeply before. Even if they brought us pain, smiles or tears.



“Be brave enough to never yearn
For that you cannot hold close
In your heart forever.
Tread lightly, cherish compassion
And live in the moment without fear.” 

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