23rd
Hey,
I forgot that this blog existed up till last week when I was journaling on my notebook, trying to recall how I used to document my feelings and teenage angst (evidently from the old posts) many years ago. Reading my older posts made me realise how some of my emotions were deeply rooted in my adolescent self years old. I think after all these years, despite all the weathered changes, I still am that impatient, impulsive and angsty girl, still struggling with my dreadful existential crisis from time to time and attempting to learn how to live a bit more on this fragile planet.
It's strange to witness how so many things have changed and unchanged, how I used to speak so fondly of some people who have already left my life. I used to speak so rashly of how I expected life to be, that I would be in a certain place at a certain time, with a certain someone. Or how clumsily I spoke about certain emotions I felt at a specific point in my life that I thought would imprint forever. It is only time truly that proves me wrong again and again, about how we can never escape from our measly transient existence.
Often, I don't know what to make of my emotions with time. At times, it feels slow and heavy. Yet it can also feel light, soft, and even gentle. I'm still learning about my relationship with time, and I think it's going to be a lifelong lesson. People often talk about learning to be kind to themselves, but I would like to think our problem lies with not being kind with time. We are impatient (at least I am, very) and we often think our worries and problems can be resolved quickly. We jump to find immediate solutions, to only realise a bigger and deeper-rooted problem that cannot seem to be solved right away. We expect answers to questions, when perhaps sometimes an answer to most of our questions will take us a lifetime to seek. Or even funnier that actually, having no answers is the answer.
This year feels slightly different for me, not because of any physical changes but I want to try to build a more honest and kinder relationship with time. I no longer wish to rush or to judge too soon, I want to leave a bigger void for time to do its funky eccentric magical thing (whatever that is, we shall see in 10 years maybe lol).
As I'm typing this, I will loosen my grip on time, and I will be patient. For all the disastrous and also wonderful things (and people!) that I've yet to cross paths with. I will learn to love time, not just because time heals everything but also because time is by far perhaps the most brutally honest thing we can ever have next to us. And maybe we should learn how to befriend it, by learning how to love it a little bit more each day.
I hope time will be kind to every one of us here too.
