weathering ephemerality

Due uncredited pictures. And a pile of happy mess.

“你最大的勇敢不是去爱他，是去相爱。你最大的坚强，也不是跟他在一起，而是离开他。“

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I realised over the years that I wasn't being heartless or cruel towards others. I was being heartless towards myself, my own feelings. Not loving isn't the saddest thing. The saddest thing is to stop loving because you know you can't afford the pain. And instead, you choose to avoid. To ignore and to pretend that you don't and can't love when you obviously is, in the inside. Being unable to hear or see isn't the cruelest thing. It's pretending to not see, or not to hear when you have the ability to do so.

The worst is when you see someone suffering, and you choose to ignore their pain instead of offering to help just to lessen your own pain. By being selfish, to acknowledge your own pain instead of someone else's. Just because the rest couldn't see your pain.

Hmm, but I guess that's just how the world works. Everyone's too selfish, too blinded to look for the good in people. We blame, criticise and ostracise too often. We only realise and be thankful for the people and things we have around us when we lose something. Or when we fall. Truth to be told, we don't even realise or thank the people that were always around us to hold us back up when we fall. When they're gone, we cry. We scream for help. And then we realise who were truly the ones that were there for us. They might not be people that we like. We spend so much time chasing after people to like us, when we fail to appreciate the people that we didn't like but still, they were the people that were willing to help us.

I think I've spent enough time on things and people that weren't worth the journey. Well, I shouldn't say that they weren't worth it, but probably just temporary(?).

One of my friends once told me, life is actually like a railway track, while we're the train travelling on those tracks. First, it's known that the tracks are not always straight. They can go left, right, curved and they might not be the best neither could they be the most easy to travel on. Just like life.

Second, our train starts with empty cabins. It only gets occupied along the way. By passengers, or what we might call friends, acquaintances, 'enemies', people we dislike and even the most important people we might believe to see of an importance in our lives.

People often board and alight from these trains, just like how people come and go in our lives. We might lose someone, but someone else new would hop on our train at the next stop, or at the stop someone else alighted at. Whether or not, those new people would replace the old, it's another question we might ponder upon. But the fact is that, not everyone is going to be permanent. If I were to put it in a blunt manner, it would mean that people hop on our train just to get to their destination. And that would probably mean that they're 'using' us to get to where they're supposed to head towards.

That being said, life always have two or more sides to it. The 'yay I'm so happy' part and the 'I'm so sad this is so tragic' part. And for the happy yay-ish part, all of the people would leave you memories. Good and bad or both. They make you the person you are today. The people that gave you good and happy memories might not necessarily stay for a long period of time. They might not end up being the last few people onboard your train. Neither do the people whom you dislike might stay for long. In conclusion, cherish the people you have around you. They might not be the best, they might also not be the most likeable but without them, you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be who you are.

And I often know of people who frequently says that if they could rewind time and fix their mistakes, they would. But for me, I wouldn't. Why? Because even if I did fix my mistakes, things would take a different turn. Plus, if they did take a different turn, your mistakes might be fixed but think of the happy moments you got from your mistakes. They probably wouldn't be there anymore, if you ever did change things back then. You probably would've met some people too as well on the way, when you fell and when things took a bad turn. They might end up to be the best people you've ever met in your lifetime. Are you going to give them up all? Just to head towards another unfamiliar path that you have thought to be 'better', but is it really 'better'? Or it's just because you despised your mistakes too much to have been blinded from the wonderful things you have around you?

Our train journey just like our lives, might be short. Some of yours might be longer than others. We travel at different speeds, with different people onboard. We are heading towards different directions. But we have one common goal: to survive this journey be it a tough or a smooth one. And in the end, when we get back to where we're supposed to be, we often look back at the process. Not the ending. It wouldn't matter who left or who boarded, it's the impact that everyone left on us that would matter. It might not seem as much of an importance to us now, since we're goal-driven on where we are eagerly waiting to head towards. But when things finally come to an end, you'll think about it hard.

To live a life that's worth living? For me, it would probably to be happy. To be happy in times of hardships, laughter and tears. Even when people leave, I want to be happy, to think of the good things and impact they left on me. And to think of them as a fond memory. Even if they'll never be replaced again in the future, they'll be shelved as one of the best I once had. It's only then, that I can let go of what I don't possess and appreciate more of what I do have with and around me.

Finally, it's time to let go. To let go of temporary objects and people. Perhaps, it's just their time to alight now and the time for me to carry on with my journey. They'll be missed, indefinitely. But, it's important to realise that the journey is still long ahead and to continue moving, we all have to let go of some things and people. Even if we hate or love them too deeply before. Even if they brought us pain, smiles or tears.



“Be brave enough to never yearn
For that you cannot hold close
In your heart forever.
Tread lightly, cherish compassion
And live in the moment without fear.” 

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