16th.
Every year, it's the same ritual. Blowing out candles and making a wish. Honestly, I've already come to accept for this day every year, it's equally important and non-important. Perhaps, I've learnt to cherish time more as I turned older each year, that this day of every year is of much importance to me. Because it's always the day where I reflect the most upon myself. The good and the bad.
It's also not of much importance in a sense, I've learnt to love and appreciate every single day for I'm able to live without pain, and in genuine happiness and gratitude. If you live each day to the fullest, be true to your own feelings and thoughts, everyday is your birthday or at least that's how I see it.
For me, time is running out. I used to think whatever I had, will always remain around me even for at least a couple of years until this year, when my parents and myself made the decision for me to leave after Os. I guess that changed my perspective towards things a lot. I started to appreciate everything more, for both the good and bad. I don't want to leave any regrets behind and feel sorry for anybody or even myself in the end.
1) To a certain extent, I'm starting to able see myself as who I was 3-4 years ago. It's still not the same, since time and a handful of memories definitely changed and shaped me into a different person. But because of the patience and understanding I saw and received from the people around me, I'm really glad to be back to my old self (certain elements of it I guess?). My old self? I was open and true to myself. I don't deny my feelings nor my thoughts. I don't control them, instead I always knew how to think the best for myself and the people around me. In a sense, I think wisely. I didn't hate. Hatred was never a part of me back then, because all I wanted for everyone around me were blessings and love.
Well, to some people it might be a naive personality/characteristic. Yet, I'm always thankful whenever I'm able to free my heart from hatred and greed. That's who I was and still, who I desire to be now and for the rest of my life. For the people that might once hurt me, for the people that I might not be able to get along as well with compared to the rest, I want the best for them still. Being able to do that completely is tough, indeed. Since we're humans after all. I will believe though, that it's achievable.
2) Learning to go with the flow. I used to detest it terribly, when things don't go the way I want them to be. I wanted to enforce too many things upon myself and everyone else around me. It was pressurising not only for me, but the rest around me, especially since I wouldn't want to go easy on myself all the time. I'm glad this year though, I started well. You could say, that I finally started trying to live like a 16 year-old.
I learnt how to let go of certain things that were beyond my control. That some, only time could solve. That feeling when you let go of certain restrictions for me, felt foreign. I wasn't used to being soft with myself, since I expected the most from my own self. Even more than what my parents would expect from me. It was only then that I realised to have trust within myself. Spiritually. Because often, I'm too scared that I would stray away from the good and what I'm supposed to do, that I always stick within my own boundaries. I only learnt now that, a little space for yourself is good.
I need time for myself. To be free, to unwind and enjoy a little. To stop feeling so uptight about everything all the time. To have trust in myself that the path I tread on, may not always be right, but I will always and eventually return back on track. With the help from family and friends, it will be okay.
3) Lastly, I've come to the fact that I will never be mentally prepared for anything. Because that never exists. To be mentally prepared for something, it definitely means to take a step forward and ride along the waves that would come crashing into you. That's the only time you can do it. By doing it, it already is a form of preparedness. I used to anticipate a lot, yet I would have a certain image of fear behind them. I still have a little, but I learnt how to tackle it. Fear of leaving my family and my friends, for a new experience. New country, new language and new culture. Alone. It's exhilarating, yes. That comes with a certain amount of fear.
Am I going to let that fear overcome my anticipation? To let it grow on me and ruin opportunities? New experiences? No. For everything is never permanent. We all let go of certain people, memories and things at certain points of time in our lives. Instead of insisting on grabbing onto whatever we have now or in the future, we shouldn't let that be a reason to prevent us from obtaining new things, memories and knowing of new people. So instead of the fear of losing what you have now, fear for no new opportunities, no new memories or new people in your life. That's scarier.
Every birthday is as meaningful and at the same time, meaningless to me. Because it is significant in its own ways while I've came to discover the significance behind every single day, that everyday would be as of equal importance to me.
Still,
happy birthday.
