weathering ephemerality

Honestly, before I left for Korea I was a wreck. All over the place. I couldn't control my feelings. Because I wanted too much. Expected too much. And just because I myself, is a human being too.

I tried my best to be the person everyone wanted me to be. To be better in this, and that. To look better. I gave whatever I could to the people I valued the most, just because I valued my relationships with them. Despite what they could and had gave me, I would always put people first before me. Because I loved with everything I could. Even if what I could give wasn't wanted, I still continued giving in hopes of getting something in return. I wanted people to love me. As much as I loved them.

Yet, the saddest fact of all was that I couldn't bear to love myself. To actually try putting myself first rather than the people I loved all along. I blamed myself when relationships soured. I blamed myself for not being there all the time, for not being good enough, or at least what they wanted me to be. Why didn't I be better? Why didn't I perform better? Maybe if I looked better, did better or did whatever they told me to, we wouldn't turn out this way?

That was what I thought all along. Perhaps because I loved unconditionally. I loved so many people, all at once and I valued all of us being together more than anything. I feared to lose people. I feared to let go of the things I love. I'm weak. I cry whenever I lose the people and things I love. I get defeated not when people hurt me, but when they hurt the people I love.

I wasn't ready to accept my flaws. Externally, I do. I tell everybody that I love myself. And I have absolutely zero regrets for who I am as a person now. But inside, I question myself why couldn't I been any better? If I were better, I probably wouldn't have lost you, you or even you. I tried to correct whatever I thought I did wrong. Just for the sake of trying to salvage lost emotions, lost memories, lost feelings, lost times that obviously couldn't be retrieved.

In the end, I realised the problem wasn't with me, not my flaws. Not what I couldn't correct. But it was the problem I had of not learning how to accept myself.

If I could accept myself, my flaws, and the people (who were shit basically) that left me, nothing would've been a problem. And it's only when I accept who I am, then would I get to filter out the people in my life.

Love. You can love a person with your entire heart. Your entire universe. But it doesn't mean that letting go of that person = you not loving him/her. If they aren't worthy of your sacrifices and time you poured in for them, you're basically doing them and yourself a favour by letting them go. Because you can't give them what you want, and that's not your fault. Your fault lies in not letting them go so they can find someone they need and want. And you can then stop blaming yourself, instead realise who are the ones who really deserve and want you. I realised love takes effort. Not only from solely yourself. But the other party.

Love doesn't happen when you're the only one putting in effort. Love in friendships, in families or even between lovers. Love takes initiative. Yet at the same time, you can't be the only one taking the first step all the time. You can't be the one always trying to salvage the flame. If only one person wants it bad enough, the flame would still die down anyway in the end. The most important thing though, it's that if you knew you tried, you gave your best, you gave whatever you could to save everything yet it still didn't work out: it wasn't your fault.

Know that it was for the better. Not only for the other party but also for you. So that you can finally realise that you could get better. And you deserve better. It probably wasn't the other party's fault either. Because they didn't knew how to appreciate the beauty in you or whatever you did for them. They need someone else and something they want, something you can't offer.

Don't underestimate what you can give, and how much you can love a person. It might not show towards some people. But there's always bound for some people that can learn to appreciate the beauty in it. And they will always be the people you know that's worth of your love and time. People that shouldn't be let go.

At least, I learnt how to accept myself. Learn how to accept and love yourself before trying to love someone else wholeheartedly.