weathering ephemerality

I always keep a 'grateful' journal with me to write of 2 things I was grateful for that day. It can be a good deed I did that day, a good feeling/emotion I experienced that day or even something that existed or was with me all along but took me only till that day to realize and to be grateful for.

Yesterday, it was probably my 2nd time taking the MRT ever since I came back. For some apparent reason, babies on the train kept smiling at me. Idk why but it's always such a heartwarming moment when you make eye contact with them and in return, you get a naive and the most adorable smile back ever. It reminds me a lot of my childhood, and my family.
That day, one of the things I wrote down to be grateful for was: I'm grateful to have a family to return to everyday.

It's the simplest yet the most important thing mos people always take for granted. We take for granted that our parents would always ask us if we're hungry or not, and they'll buy us food all the time whether or not if we want to eat. Because they don't want us to starve. Yet, when you come to think about it, they're the only person that would ask you the simplest things.
"How's your day?"
"Are you feeling better today?"
"Are you hungry?"

And we tend to forget. Because we're so used to everything they did for us. We take for granted that they're always the ones with us through everything. The good, the bad, the worst. We take for granted that they're always the first ones to forgive our mistakes before anyone else would. And we took for granted of their love. For us.

Before every year ends, my dad would always talk to us and ask us of our review for the year and our plans for the next. He pointed out that my biggest flaw wasn't about being too nasty, too kind or whatsoever. It was about getting over things.
He said I will always face problems in the future. Be it regarding relationships, friendships or my career. I have to learn how to let go.

Some people are getting more vile, more cruel and some of them are constantly trapped in their lies, was what he said. When times are difficult to get over, I shouldn't be fooled, to be led a strayed into playing their own game of lies with them. I shouldn't be continuously doing foolish things because of something that went wrong.

He told me to help more people in 2016. He said, all of the friendships, relationships or even us as family now happens for a reason. The people that we met, they might be people that saves our life in the future, people that can help us in the future or simply, people that need our help greatly.

"And irregardless of anything, do not shun away people. Help. Don't hate on anybody, because they might just be another one of those people that needs your help. They might not be the people you like the most but, still help anyway. Because you're more than someone that closes their doors towards people you dislike."

"Continue walking, even though at times it might seem tough. Continue walking, even though it might seem painful. Continue walking, with a smile. Get over everyday without hatred or jealousy. Things will always come to an end. Your current friendships or relationships that seem to be the most perfect thing ever in the world. Your future career that seem to be the best one you've had. The things you believe and trust in the most will come to an end. Cry over it. But don't ever believe that your life or your future will end because of them and better days will come again soon."


The best reminders my dad gave to me this year.

Honestly, before I left for Korea I was a wreck. All over the place. I couldn't control my feelings. Because I wanted too much. Expected too much. And just because I myself, is a human being too.

I tried my best to be the person everyone wanted me to be. To be better in this, and that. To look better. I gave whatever I could to the people I valued the most, just because I valued my relationships with them. Despite what they could and had gave me, I would always put people first before me. Because I loved with everything I could. Even if what I could give wasn't wanted, I still continued giving in hopes of getting something in return. I wanted people to love me. As much as I loved them.

Yet, the saddest fact of all was that I couldn't bear to love myself. To actually try putting myself first rather than the people I loved all along. I blamed myself when relationships soured. I blamed myself for not being there all the time, for not being good enough, or at least what they wanted me to be. Why didn't I be better? Why didn't I perform better? Maybe if I looked better, did better or did whatever they told me to, we wouldn't turn out this way?

That was what I thought all along. Perhaps because I loved unconditionally. I loved so many people, all at once and I valued all of us being together more than anything. I feared to lose people. I feared to let go of the things I love. I'm weak. I cry whenever I lose the people and things I love. I get defeated not when people hurt me, but when they hurt the people I love.

I wasn't ready to accept my flaws. Externally, I do. I tell everybody that I love myself. And I have absolutely zero regrets for who I am as a person now. But inside, I question myself why couldn't I been any better? If I were better, I probably wouldn't have lost you, you or even you. I tried to correct whatever I thought I did wrong. Just for the sake of trying to salvage lost emotions, lost memories, lost feelings, lost times that obviously couldn't be retrieved.

In the end, I realised the problem wasn't with me, not my flaws. Not what I couldn't correct. But it was the problem I had of not learning how to accept myself.

If I could accept myself, my flaws, and the people (who were shit basically) that left me, nothing would've been a problem. And it's only when I accept who I am, then would I get to filter out the people in my life.

Love. You can love a person with your entire heart. Your entire universe. But it doesn't mean that letting go of that person = you not loving him/her. If they aren't worthy of your sacrifices and time you poured in for them, you're basically doing them and yourself a favour by letting them go. Because you can't give them what you want, and that's not your fault. Your fault lies in not letting them go so they can find someone they need and want. And you can then stop blaming yourself, instead realise who are the ones who really deserve and want you. I realised love takes effort. Not only from solely yourself. But the other party.

Love doesn't happen when you're the only one putting in effort. Love in friendships, in families or even between lovers. Love takes initiative. Yet at the same time, you can't be the only one taking the first step all the time. You can't be the one always trying to salvage the flame. If only one person wants it bad enough, the flame would still die down anyway in the end. The most important thing though, it's that if you knew you tried, you gave your best, you gave whatever you could to save everything yet it still didn't work out: it wasn't your fault.

Know that it was for the better. Not only for the other party but also for you. So that you can finally realise that you could get better. And you deserve better. It probably wasn't the other party's fault either. Because they didn't knew how to appreciate the beauty in you or whatever you did for them. They need someone else and something they want, something you can't offer.

Don't underestimate what you can give, and how much you can love a person. It might not show towards some people. But there's always bound for some people that can learn to appreciate the beauty in it. And they will always be the people you know that's worth of your love and time. People that shouldn't be let go.

At least, I learnt how to accept myself. Learn how to accept and love yourself before trying to love someone else wholeheartedly.