weathering ephemerality

Hey,

I forgot that this blog existed up till last week when I was journaling on my notebook, trying to recall how I used to document my feelings and teenage angst (evidently from the old posts) many years ago. Reading my older posts made me realise how some of my emotions were deeply rooted in my adolescent self years old. I think after all these years, despite all the weathered changes, I still am that impatient, impulsive and angsty girl, still struggling with my dreadful existential crisis from time to time and attempting to learn how to live a bit more on this fragile planet. 

It's strange to witness how so many things have changed and unchanged, how I used to speak so fondly of some people who have already left my life. I used to speak so rashly of how I expected life to be, that I would be in a certain place at a certain time, with a certain someone. Or how clumsily I spoke about certain emotions I felt at a specific point in my life that I thought would imprint forever. It is only time truly that proves me wrong again and again, about how we can never escape from our measly transient existence.

Often, I don't know what to make of my emotions with time. At times, it feels slow and heavy. Yet it can also feel light, soft, and even gentle. I'm still learning about my relationship with time, and I think it's going to be a lifelong lesson. People often talk about learning to be kind to themselves, but I would like to think our problem lies with not being kind with time. We are impatient (at least I am, very) and we often think our worries and problems can be resolved quickly. We jump to find immediate solutions, to only realise a bigger and deeper-rooted problem that cannot seem to be solved right away. We expect answers to questions, when perhaps sometimes an answer to most of our questions will take us a lifetime to seek. Or even funnier that actually, having no answers is the answer. 

This year feels slightly different for me, not because of any physical changes but I want to try to build a more honest and kinder relationship with time. I no longer wish to rush or to judge too soon, I want to leave a bigger void for time to do its funky eccentric magical thing (whatever that is, we shall see in 10 years maybe lol).

As I'm typing this, I will loosen my grip on time, and I will be patient. For all the disastrous and also wonderful things (and people!) that I've yet to cross paths with. I will learn to love time, not just because time heals everything but also because time is by far perhaps the most brutally honest thing we can ever have next to us. And maybe we should learn how to befriend it, by learning how to love it a little bit more each day. 

I hope time will be kind to every one of us here too. 

Every year, it's the same ritual. Blowing out candles and making a wish. Honestly, I've already come to accept for this day every year, it's equally important and non-important. Perhaps, I've learnt to cherish time more as I turned older each year, that this day of every year is of much importance to me. Because it's always the day where I reflect the most upon myself. The good and the bad.

It's also not of much importance in a sense, I've learnt to love and appreciate every single day for I'm able to live without pain, and in genuine happiness and gratitude. If you live each day to the fullest, be true to your own feelings and thoughts, everyday is your birthday or at least that's how I see it.

For me, time is running out. I used to think whatever I had, will always remain around me even for at least a couple of years until this year, when my parents and myself made the decision for me to leave after Os. I guess that changed my perspective towards things a lot. I started to appreciate everything more, for both the good and bad. I don't want to leave any regrets behind and feel sorry for anybody or even myself in the end.

1) To a certain extent, I'm starting to able see myself as who I was 3-4 years ago. It's still not the same, since time and a handful of memories definitely changed and shaped me into a different person. But because of the patience and understanding I saw and received from the people around me, I'm really glad to be back to my old self (certain elements of it I guess?). My old self? I was open and true to myself. I don't deny my feelings nor my thoughts. I don't control them, instead I always knew how to think the best for myself and the people around me. In a sense, I think wisely. I didn't hate. Hatred was never a part of me back then, because all I wanted for everyone around me were blessings and love.

Well, to some people it might be a naive personality/characteristic. Yet, I'm always thankful whenever I'm able to free my heart from hatred and greed. That's who I was and still, who I desire to be now and for the rest of my life. For the people that might once hurt me, for the people that I might not be able to get along as well with compared to the rest, I want the best for them still. Being able to do that completely is tough, indeed. Since we're humans after all. I will believe though, that it's achievable.

2) Learning to go with the flow. I used to detest it terribly, when things don't go the way I want them to be. I wanted to enforce too many things upon myself and everyone else around me. It was pressurising not only for me, but the rest around me, especially since I wouldn't want to go easy on myself all the time. I'm glad this year though, I started well. You could say, that I finally started trying to live like a 16 year-old.

I learnt how to let go of certain things that were beyond my control. That some, only time could solve. That feeling when you let go of certain restrictions for me, felt foreign. I wasn't used to being soft with myself, since I expected the most from my own self. Even more than what my parents would expect from me. It was only then that I realised to have trust within myself. Spiritually. Because often, I'm too scared that I would stray away from the good and what I'm supposed to do, that I always stick within my own boundaries. I only learnt now that, a little space for yourself is good.

I need time for myself. To be free, to unwind and enjoy a little. To stop feeling so uptight about everything all the time. To have trust in myself that the path I tread on, may not always be right, but I will always and eventually return back on track. With the help from family and friends, it will be okay.

3) Lastly, I've come to the fact that I will never be mentally prepared for anything. Because that never exists. To be mentally prepared for something, it definitely means to take a step forward and ride along the waves that would come crashing into you. That's the only time you can do it. By doing it, it already is a form of preparedness. I used to anticipate a lot, yet I would have a certain image of fear behind them. I still have a little, but I learnt how to tackle it. Fear of leaving my family and my friends, for a new experience. New country, new language and new culture. Alone. It's exhilarating, yes. That comes with a certain amount of fear.

Am I going to let that fear overcome my anticipation? To let it grow on me and ruin opportunities? New experiences? No. For everything is never permanent. We all let go of certain people, memories and things at certain points of time in our lives. Instead of insisting on grabbing onto whatever we have now or in the future, we shouldn't let that be a reason to prevent us from obtaining new things, memories and knowing of new people. So instead of the fear of losing what you have now, fear for no new opportunities, no new memories or new people in your life. That's scarier.

Every birthday is as meaningful and at the same time, meaningless to me. Because it is significant in its own ways while I've came to discover the significance behind every single day, that everyday would be as of equal importance to me.


Still,

happy birthday. 

I always keep a 'grateful' journal with me to write of 2 things I was grateful for that day. It can be a good deed I did that day, a good feeling/emotion I experienced that day or even something that existed or was with me all along but took me only till that day to realize and to be grateful for.

Yesterday, it was probably my 2nd time taking the MRT ever since I came back. For some apparent reason, babies on the train kept smiling at me. Idk why but it's always such a heartwarming moment when you make eye contact with them and in return, you get a naive and the most adorable smile back ever. It reminds me a lot of my childhood, and my family.
That day, one of the things I wrote down to be grateful for was: I'm grateful to have a family to return to everyday.

It's the simplest yet the most important thing mos people always take for granted. We take for granted that our parents would always ask us if we're hungry or not, and they'll buy us food all the time whether or not if we want to eat. Because they don't want us to starve. Yet, when you come to think about it, they're the only person that would ask you the simplest things.
"How's your day?"
"Are you feeling better today?"
"Are you hungry?"

And we tend to forget. Because we're so used to everything they did for us. We take for granted that they're always the ones with us through everything. The good, the bad, the worst. We take for granted that they're always the first ones to forgive our mistakes before anyone else would. And we took for granted of their love. For us.

Before every year ends, my dad would always talk to us and ask us of our review for the year and our plans for the next. He pointed out that my biggest flaw wasn't about being too nasty, too kind or whatsoever. It was about getting over things.
He said I will always face problems in the future. Be it regarding relationships, friendships or my career. I have to learn how to let go.

Some people are getting more vile, more cruel and some of them are constantly trapped in their lies, was what he said. When times are difficult to get over, I shouldn't be fooled, to be led a strayed into playing their own game of lies with them. I shouldn't be continuously doing foolish things because of something that went wrong.

He told me to help more people in 2016. He said, all of the friendships, relationships or even us as family now happens for a reason. The people that we met, they might be people that saves our life in the future, people that can help us in the future or simply, people that need our help greatly.

"And irregardless of anything, do not shun away people. Help. Don't hate on anybody, because they might just be another one of those people that needs your help. They might not be the people you like the most but, still help anyway. Because you're more than someone that closes their doors towards people you dislike."

"Continue walking, even though at times it might seem tough. Continue walking, even though it might seem painful. Continue walking, with a smile. Get over everyday without hatred or jealousy. Things will always come to an end. Your current friendships or relationships that seem to be the most perfect thing ever in the world. Your future career that seem to be the best one you've had. The things you believe and trust in the most will come to an end. Cry over it. But don't ever believe that your life or your future will end because of them and better days will come again soon."


The best reminders my dad gave to me this year.

Honestly, before I left for Korea I was a wreck. All over the place. I couldn't control my feelings. Because I wanted too much. Expected too much. And just because I myself, is a human being too.

I tried my best to be the person everyone wanted me to be. To be better in this, and that. To look better. I gave whatever I could to the people I valued the most, just because I valued my relationships with them. Despite what they could and had gave me, I would always put people first before me. Because I loved with everything I could. Even if what I could give wasn't wanted, I still continued giving in hopes of getting something in return. I wanted people to love me. As much as I loved them.

Yet, the saddest fact of all was that I couldn't bear to love myself. To actually try putting myself first rather than the people I loved all along. I blamed myself when relationships soured. I blamed myself for not being there all the time, for not being good enough, or at least what they wanted me to be. Why didn't I be better? Why didn't I perform better? Maybe if I looked better, did better or did whatever they told me to, we wouldn't turn out this way?

That was what I thought all along. Perhaps because I loved unconditionally. I loved so many people, all at once and I valued all of us being together more than anything. I feared to lose people. I feared to let go of the things I love. I'm weak. I cry whenever I lose the people and things I love. I get defeated not when people hurt me, but when they hurt the people I love.

I wasn't ready to accept my flaws. Externally, I do. I tell everybody that I love myself. And I have absolutely zero regrets for who I am as a person now. But inside, I question myself why couldn't I been any better? If I were better, I probably wouldn't have lost you, you or even you. I tried to correct whatever I thought I did wrong. Just for the sake of trying to salvage lost emotions, lost memories, lost feelings, lost times that obviously couldn't be retrieved.

In the end, I realised the problem wasn't with me, not my flaws. Not what I couldn't correct. But it was the problem I had of not learning how to accept myself.

If I could accept myself, my flaws, and the people (who were shit basically) that left me, nothing would've been a problem. And it's only when I accept who I am, then would I get to filter out the people in my life.

Love. You can love a person with your entire heart. Your entire universe. But it doesn't mean that letting go of that person = you not loving him/her. If they aren't worthy of your sacrifices and time you poured in for them, you're basically doing them and yourself a favour by letting them go. Because you can't give them what you want, and that's not your fault. Your fault lies in not letting them go so they can find someone they need and want. And you can then stop blaming yourself, instead realise who are the ones who really deserve and want you. I realised love takes effort. Not only from solely yourself. But the other party.

Love doesn't happen when you're the only one putting in effort. Love in friendships, in families or even between lovers. Love takes initiative. Yet at the same time, you can't be the only one taking the first step all the time. You can't be the one always trying to salvage the flame. If only one person wants it bad enough, the flame would still die down anyway in the end. The most important thing though, it's that if you knew you tried, you gave your best, you gave whatever you could to save everything yet it still didn't work out: it wasn't your fault.

Know that it was for the better. Not only for the other party but also for you. So that you can finally realise that you could get better. And you deserve better. It probably wasn't the other party's fault either. Because they didn't knew how to appreciate the beauty in you or whatever you did for them. They need someone else and something they want, something you can't offer.

Don't underestimate what you can give, and how much you can love a person. It might not show towards some people. But there's always bound for some people that can learn to appreciate the beauty in it. And they will always be the people you know that's worth of your love and time. People that shouldn't be let go.

At least, I learnt how to accept myself. Learn how to accept and love yourself before trying to love someone else wholeheartedly.

Due uncredited pictures. And a pile of happy mess.

“你最大的勇敢不是去爱他，是去相爱。你最大的坚强，也不是跟他在一起，而是离开他。“

-

I realised over the years that I wasn't being heartless or cruel towards others. I was being heartless towards myself, my own feelings. Not loving isn't the saddest thing. The saddest thing is to stop loving because you know you can't afford the pain. And instead, you choose to avoid. To ignore and to pretend that you don't and can't love when you obviously is, in the inside. Being unable to hear or see isn't the cruelest thing. It's pretending to not see, or not to hear when you have the ability to do so.

The worst is when you see someone suffering, and you choose to ignore their pain instead of offering to help just to lessen your own pain. By being selfish, to acknowledge your own pain instead of someone else's. Just because the rest couldn't see your pain.

Hmm, but I guess that's just how the world works. Everyone's too selfish, too blinded to look for the good in people. We blame, criticise and ostracise too often. We only realise and be thankful for the people and things we have around us when we lose something. Or when we fall. Truth to be told, we don't even realise or thank the people that were always around us to hold us back up when we fall. When they're gone, we cry. We scream for help. And then we realise who were truly the ones that were there for us. They might not be people that we like. We spend so much time chasing after people to like us, when we fail to appreciate the people that we didn't like but still, they were the people that were willing to help us.